Last night I was talking to a friend and I made a comment that my life was a mess. We discussed this at length and I was left unsure of why I feel that way. After all, I have 2 beautiful children, a wonderful family that is loving and supportive, a beautiful house, almost a masters degree, a job that is fulfilling intellectually and emotionally, and I have friends who love and support me.
Who could ask for more? I know I shouldn’t.
Yet I still feel that my life is a mess. Somehow I have become many different people and I am pulled in so many different directions. I am a mother, that is separate from the student, who is still separate from the teacher. Do you understand what I am saying? I have friends and I have family yet they don’t seem to form a cohesive group and I am left feeling disconnected in all areas of my life. I have a beautiful picture but it is all in pieces. How do I put the puzzle together without changing the pieces? Is that possible? How do I join all the pieces so that I feel like I am not neglecting one thing to pursue another? I’m not sure if any of that it is possible. Can I be a good student and not neglect my teaching? Can I be a good mother and not neglect everything else? How do I even know what I want to be when I am pulled in so many different directions?
I have often said that I embody the phrase "a jack of all trades is master of none". I am not sure that I can continue this. My perfectionism runs too deep, and the passion for the things I love is too overwhelming. So what do I do?
I’m not sure yet, but beginning to somehow mesh all the parts of my life together is going to be a start.
Monday, March 24, 2008
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